...am a little perky today...haven't drank any coffee for the last month..gosh! i miss old pals from sykes and miss going out..lately i love hybernating- whatever that means to some. i just wanted to watch the boobtube a lot as well with tagalog teleseries's cries and lots of slapping. it is fun to be a couch potato sometimes but hey, i still love going out of course! nothing can compare to friend's get together and laugh together reminisce the old times and sharing the whereabouts and just chitchat till the morning light. so much for that, it's so funny when friends bump into me and they need to look twice or thrice just to be able to say Hi!..the hair style looks good on you- thanks for that ( just a bangs though..wehehehe)...but the best part is? when they say you look more bitchy!ouch!

i am enjoying the new attention though, just for now. wait til din2x see me..hahahaha...vanity is not a very bad thing though sometimes it leads to an ill effect of having to hate myself when i wake up one day not feeling good about my face...wehehehe..but naywayz, i know am beautiful inmy own way and am proud of it huh!

till next..

i can't remember the last time happiness accompanied me. it was a very wonderful feeling but it's long been gone. i am a wacky person. i laugh so hard and i have a very big mouth..wahahaha.. i am often complaining of how my life has ended like this (as if it already ended). been so overthinking, overanalyzing and overfeeling feelings...

well, no one has ever ordered me to feel like a rotten papaya...eww...i dared to be myself and i am so pathetic. happiness? i will find you, i know i will... i am just too busy nursing my broken heart daw! but kidding aside i feel so blessed, i cleaned my room last night and i felt compelled and a bit of happy before going to bed. see? happiness is just too simple that sometimes i i just totally mess around with it and never notice it. i am trying to feel my heart from the palm of my hand and literally i can say, it's heavy..too much worries and too much problems...too much thinking of the unnecessary stuffs..i asked myself yesterday, i worry for people i love, i worry for my future and i worry for things not yet here...what if i die tomorrow?or today?what will happen to the things i worry a lot?nada...

well, just a few realizations of life's common sense and common issues..money, love, family and sex...wahahaha...

tell me you love me, and he did, he never stopped loving me at all. the last time i saw him i was crying so hard because he is leaving and will be gone for 2 or maybe 3 years. i was crying because aside from missing him, i am not sure inside my heart if i can survive not seeing him that long. so i gave up. i broke up with him because i hate long distance relationship and i can't afford missing someone, i don't know if that was reason enough, it was that time. i met someone after a few weeks, i met a very good man indeed. fresh from a broken heart and a longing soul, i gave it a try with him. i was happy, was because it was just a happiness for having someone to love me and care for me and someone to hold- literally. but these things are never enough for my wicked and uncontented heart. i am looking for some more that i am never certain what it is at all. it never felt good for me to behave and feel that way. i am not feeling good about hurting and leaving people behind. i amm always in the same cycle of events. meet someone who will promise me happiness, being with the someone and then leaving that someone because my preferences and my expectations were not met.

a friend once told me i am inlove with love, i love the idea of bein inlove when i am not. i am in a relationship because i feel lonely because i am selfish. so then, i freed myself, from pain, from loneliness and from hurting another soul again.

what i did to them and to him was never easy, i left him just hangin' there. i felt a pinch of pain when he told me he already have someone new after a year of bein killed by me. though i know inside of him, i am still there - in his heart. he said goodbye that day he went back, he called when he was in the boarding gate- just signifies- he cannot abolish me for good although he is trying to let go of me for good. he said he wants to move on and i gave him the blessing to do so- i mean he deserves it. i once loved him- i thought- and i don't know if i still do. i wanna ask myself and am going to look for the answer. it may take sometime but who cares- i have the luxury of time. it's good to be back- it's good to have me all by myself. I wanna say sorry to him but i did not...i will just whisper it in the wind and hopefully it will reach him- hopefully. i wanna forgive myself and heal me--i pray!