bangz mi luv: HI!
yabz love: hi!!!!!
yabz love: how are you?
yabz love: been so long
yabz love:
bangz mi luv: im ok yabz, im sory 4 making u cry last night, punish me beh
bangz mi luv:
yabz love: its alright baby..
yabz love:
yabz love:
bangz mi luv:
bangz mi luv: tag anun nako ha........ nag friendster ka noh?!
yabz love: hahahahahah
yabz love:
yabz love: no
yabz love:
bangz mi luv: ngek! nag unsa d i ka? nakay kachat lain laki?
yabz love: ahahahahahah
yabz love:
yabz love: am chatting with my bangz
yabz love: kaila ka ana niya?
bangz mi luv: wla, wa-il mna xa, hu he?
yabz love: he is the love of my life
yabz love:
bangz mi luv: really?! wa nka lain love sa imo life?(except family)
yabz love: yep!!!!!
yabz love: super!
bangz mi luv:
bangz mi luv: i love you yabz

outside cvg..62007..5am

 

the  sun's almost up. i can see far beyond the horizon a peek of light. Although my life literally starts earlier everyday when the sun is still in a slumber state i can still feel my day renewing once i see the light. It's so pretty, like my sister sitting on the couch caressing her tummy and talking to her 8 weeks old baby inside, singing and telling here how she lovers her. the coming out of dear sun always brings hope to my lonely heart, to my tired soul. that somewhere, sometime today i can laugh and be merry and be surprised. the light reminds me that my life isnt over yet, that i can still change the course of my destiny. there was never a day i don't question my belief about destiny, whether i agree or otherwise...another day, another chance of getting my life back and making things right and be hopeful again...everyday, a new leaf...a new possibility...
it's time to go back now...

it hit me...

going back to cebu for work..well, the easiest part is just to ride on the boat with big waves hitting the small boat, the hardest is getting myself back to reality. reality that i am in a high paying job with little happiness on it. yes, little bec. what keeps me going are friends i meet. the reason why i still wake up 12mn to take a bath and get dressed for work. i don't know, maybe i am just looking for reasons to keep sanity or to escape from it all. there is no reason to cry now, i already know from the beginning that being here will not necessarily make me happy- not at all. it's either i find the work very lax or demanding i guess it doesnt matter.
i need to make a decision, that decision will either tear me apart or make me whole again. feeling the same feeling, when was that? 7 months ago. i was thinking of moving on and fulfill my lifelong dream career but here i am stuck in a world not feeling good about myself. i feel so rotten and pathetic, so full of life from the outside so lonely and dying inside. somebody help but i know no one can. i don't have any rights to add misery to the people around me, they don't deserve it not even to the americans i come in contact with bec. they don't have any idea.
let me review myself daw, why am i here? why am i in this feeling? well, because for the first time in my life i felt so homesick and i can't do anything about it. i wanted to stay, my whole weird family is there, making fun of each other and talking and sleeping and reminiscing. for the longest time i have not felt like this. my family argue just about everything...just about the smallest problems and the most unreasonable reason. what can i do? that's us but those same little things kept us intact and kept us humans. we talked about how we make each others lives horrible but we also appreciate the things we do for each other to feel better- at least. appreciation is never an issue for me, my whole life was never about appreciation but it was more of a survival and self-realizations. but what is happening to me now is far more than what i dreaded to wish for. i am stuck, i am not growing and i am not living at all. caused misery to people i care for, made so many detours and caused so much pain. i am not happy because i choose to feel this way- bec. i am not living my dreams bec i am not happy.
well, it's time for me to come home and it's time for me to feel the comfort of my own self. it's time for me to look for myself. i'll start with asking first, what do i want? i wanna travel, i wanna feel free from responsibility- from my own pain- misery and regressions-i wanna have my life back where in i don't have much money but i know how to spend it. i will stop the i wanna-  i will do these things. i need to make a decision, if that decision is going to cost me a lot the blame will be on me- the entirety of it. my choice, i will choose to be alive, to commit mistakes, to be different, to have a purpose and to live that purpose. i need something new to look forward everyday-my custs bore me already and i don't wanna pass that boredom on to them. i need the challenge of existence, i need inspiration not just  for moolah but self-contentment.i have not done anything in my life at all but talk 24/7- irrelevant talks. i am hollow, i am empty, i am lonely. i used to be human, i used to be me. now i don't even know myself anymore, why am here? why am i on the same cycle? somebody tell me pls. i need to know.

june 30, 2006

i never had the chance to be a child that time. what i had in mind was that i need to survive ..that you can't depend on others but yourself...

i began shutting up...i don't question anyone what's going on...i started living a passive life...that was the safiest thing to do...

april 8, 2007

after almost a year of having felt and realized and understood my life, my failures, my dreams and my destiny, i came to conclude that there will always be that single scenario in one's life where everything flashes back and one feels turmoil inside the heart and mind and a tons of sadness, confusion and emptiness. however, there is also this ray of light may it be at the start of this feeling or in the process or at the end depending on how a person learns to acknowledge and accept this feeling. well, there is nothing more wonderful than having to understand why i am feeling this way in the first place and with the help of few trusted and angelic friends and family i passed through this with great relief and gladness that although life gave me so much reasons to feel blue and loneliness crippled me in a way or the other life also gave me reasons to fight back and struggle and be good to others despite of how others let me down-. being safe i realized is never an assurance that it is the safiest thing to do, not questioning things doesnt assure you will get the answer you needed in the long run and shutting up doesnt mean you are not annoying to yourself or to other people...

life just needs balance, balance the evilness and holiness in you. if you feel you are capable of being a saint or of becoming one hell of a pain in the ass to others, go ahead it's always your call. in the end, we leave this life all alone as we arrived alone as well.

just make sure that your evilness doesnt affect others greatly as much as it affects you, you don't have any right to apply your bad side to other people. go ahead, indulge yourself- just make sure that you understand the essence of the word YOURSELF in the process.

from yahoo 360 blog dated:june 30th of '06

death @ that time was a welcomed option...never did it occur to me that life is sweet with it's constant struggle and pains...

i love to pretend that things are okey..never thinking that it wasn't at all..the absoluteness of things occuring and the fear of not having the courage to retain calmness is constant...

i was crazy..

still...

unstable...

sad...

happy...

till i realized...

i grew up different...

hi myself,

when was the last time you talked to me? when was the last time you asked me how i am doin' and how things have gotten into? you only talked to me when things are out of control, when you seem to have so many questions wherein you knew the answer and yet you still ask. you haven't done that these days, guess you're happy? or just tired of it all?

talk to me soon...

:))

the ugliest feeling in this world is getting sick, as in sick nga nasakit bah..so tiring and kapoi jud, and most of the time dying and kamatayon is just like inches away...(unsa bisaya sa inches?) i am feeling so restless and walay kapahuwayan although wala ko gibuhat as in doing nothing. everyday, kada-adlaw i am wondering naghuna-huna why sometimes usahay i can't keep my health or maayong panglawas or in good shape. hahay, life is so difficult and all the time lisod! but come to think of it, sa tanto nakong analyze...i only feel this way if my health is down and wala gana ako lawas molihok...

ahhh...ambot nalang...itulog ko nalang ni ako gibati ug na-feel na kala-ay ug boredom...