i felt nostalgic going back to an account that i served for 2 years. having a job that requires both expertise and interest gave me a surge of pride and usefulness. the responsibility of imparting what i know and at the same time be a good teacher to newbies- whew! i feel i am someone. challenges will come along my way i know and the decision i made gave great impact on my life-good things.. though more on bad. i don't feel resentments that some people couldn't understand, what should i expect in this corporate world? nothing personal or i guess make myself believe it's nothing personal. i already know that world is cunning, life is sometimes not fair. i know i don't have much in this world, my background is never impressive but i don't feel ashame where i came from because where am from is what makes me different. i am always misunderstood- actually- that's what i want people to believe.

i'll brace myself for the nextdays, next weeks and years. always praying i'll be able to do my responsibility with my new challenge and new duties. i'm happy am getting matured, though broken and hurt inside- i'll emerge the happy and giggler angel i once knew- never afraid to chase the dreams. seems not hard to achieve..ayt?

be contented...my message to myself...now that i found the job i wanted...i'll settle in.

mourning on failures
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i thought i was the most hardworking bitch i've known in my family. graduated from college out of my own effort working as a lab assistant and a scholar at school, i thought that was enough for me to face the world of uncertainty- or at least the demons of the dark side of the forces. life strata was never an issue as i was comfortable with what i am and what i have in life. 4 years in college taught me to accept what my family can do and where my family is in the society and understanding that there is nothing wrong with having a not so normal childhood. i was never afraid to relate my story to all my friends and sometimes to strangers i happen to interact in public vehicles or boats going to and fro little islands of cebu and bohol-of how i grew up and how i was brought up. i didn't put blame on anyone the things that i can't do simply because i don't have much choice. Life's choices left me questions that i didn't bother to search for answers because i thought it's enough that i know the whys so i didn't care about the how's. drama queen is what i call me, my family thought so.  sometimes due to my complexities even my own family's confused of who i really am. they know what food i love with which they would say varies all the time. one thing they've known for years and will never ever change though- my love for them..well, also that i change my mind in a spit second as well...
my love for them is forever, too much that i sometimes ask if i've sacrificed my own choices bec of them but of course my heart refuses to. it wasn't their choice, t'was mine and mine alone. they didn't force me or oblige me on the responsibilities expected of me as a daughter, a sibling and as a member of the society. i am a person with too much self-awareness so i know what's going on and i know where i am. fully aware of what's happening and fully know the consequences of my action. i love them so much that i can't even decipher the reason i am doing this. for guilt or for societal expectations? i really do not care.
i get tired, at 25 am really more of a mess than of a fulfilled career woman trying to make a difference in the world. a simple nudge does not awaken me anymore and i have to knock my head down so senses would come clearly as wanted.
a simple cry used to refresh me from a depressing thought or experience but now cries are simply just tears of overwhelming depression and struggles, just waters running down my cheeks. the meaning is less significant than it was years ago.
upon turning 25, realizations of my inability to love truly dawned on me, like a coral on a crystal clear water, the ones i passed by on my way to an island. seeing fault from a partner that most  the time the ideals that kept myself to a waiting status. only evident that nothing amuses or amazes my uncontented heart. from a psychlogical point of view i call it emotional unstability, to conservatives and love advocates they call it playing and to the rest they cal it modern way of LOve and LOving. my inability to keep in touch with friends dear to me. my inability to connect with my past yet dwell on it too much- gather strength from those thoughts yet taking for granted its significance thus create more perplexities than understanding.
i wanna be a superhero yet i can never be. like to daydream of what should have happened and what should happen when i know i can't have best of both worlds. imagining all the time all the quaities of past relationships rolled into 1 future man- too ideal- too good to be true.
willing to get engaged or married perhaps but afraid to compromise. 2 poles of opposite direction. 1 heart with 2 sides both dominant, both wanted to rule.

i desperately wanted to break free, i thought i was- as defined- some said i am but a carefree princess, so used of attention- a brat. my world has become smaller each day- with past heartaches coming back. with past relationships knocking. i wanna move forward- to where i can start a new. but starting is never gonna answer my open questions. either way is going to leave me empty handed and thirsty for clarifications and answers. getting all figured out is way too impossible but i've always believed in my hopeful heart. i am tired but i would never let failure succomb me- nor let frustrations eat me alive. failure is my shadow but shadow is an empty entity, something that follows and doesnt have a mind of its own. shadow will remind me that i have a brain and a heart working together, willing to eye everything.

it hit me...

going back to cebu for work..well, the easiest part is just to ride on the boat with big waves hitting the small boat, the hardest is getting myself back to reality. reality that i am in a high paying job with little happiness on it. yes, little bec. what keeps me going are friends i meet. the reason why i still wake up 12mn to take a bath and get dressed for work. i don't know, maybe i am just looking for reasons to keep sanity or to escape from it all. there is no reason to cry now, i already know from the beginning that being here will not necessarily make me happy- not at all. it's either i find the work very lax or demanding i guess it doesnt matter.
i need to make a decision, that decision will either tear me apart or make me whole again. feeling the same feeling, when was that? 7 months ago. i was thinking of moving on and fulfill my lifelong dream career but here i am stuck in a world not feeling good about myself. i feel so rotten and pathetic, so full of life from the outside so lonely and dying inside. somebody help but i know no one can. i don't have any rights to add misery to the people around me, they don't deserve it not even to the americans i come in contact with bec. they don't have any idea.
let me review myself daw, why am i here? why am i in this feeling? well, because for the first time in my life i felt so homesick and i can't do anything about it. i wanted to stay, my whole weird family is there, making fun of each other and talking and sleeping and reminiscing. for the longest time i have not felt like this. my family argue just about everything...just about the smallest problems and the most unreasonable reason. what can i do? that's us but those same little things kept us intact and kept us humans. we talked about how we make each others lives horrible but we also appreciate the things we do for each other to feel better- at least. appreciation is never an issue for me, my whole life was never about appreciation but it was more of a survival and self-realizations. but what is happening to me now is far more than what i dreaded to wish for. i am stuck, i am not growing and i am not living at all. caused misery to people i care for, made so many detours and caused so much pain. i am not happy because i choose to feel this way- bec. i am not living my dreams bec i am not happy.
well, it's time for me to come home and it's time for me to feel the comfort of my own self. it's time for me to look for myself. i'll start with asking first, what do i want? i wanna travel, i wanna feel free from responsibility- from my own pain- misery and regressions-i wanna have my life back where in i don't have much money but i know how to spend it. i will stop the i wanna-  i will do these things. i need to make a decision, if that decision is going to cost me a lot the blame will be on me- the entirety of it. my choice, i will choose to be alive, to commit mistakes, to be different, to have a purpose and to live that purpose. i need something new to look forward everyday-my custs bore me already and i don't wanna pass that boredom on to them. i need the challenge of existence, i need inspiration not just  for moolah but self-contentment.i have not done anything in my life at all but talk 24/7- irrelevant talks. i am hollow, i am empty, i am lonely. i used to be human, i used to be me. now i don't even know myself anymore, why am here? why am i on the same cycle? somebody tell me pls. i need to know.

"traffic jam when you're already late"...*sigh*. i left early today for work, i anticipated the heavy traffic flow because it's rush hour. I work early evening so i need to consider the fact that when i am on my way to work most of the humanity are on their way home. I rode a PUJ bound for Ayala, i was thinking that Mandaue route going to Colon area will have difficulty passing through Sto. Niño church since it's friday and also Mama Mary's day so many devoted christians and catholic community will go to church. As the jeepney starts to move going to my desired location, I realized my calculation was a bit inaccurate or let's just say underestimated. I never anticipated the heavy traffic flow on the way to Banawa. I was really pissed off and still stuck in the middle of the street. I got off the jeepney and took a taxi hoping to be at work just in time but as the vehicle approached the SouthExpress way, traffic went a little ( i mean a lot) crazy.

There I was stuck in the middle of private and public vehicles in a so called Hi-way. Making things worst, looking at the time- it's 15 minutes more before my scheduled time in. I've had the urges to open the door and just walk down the middle of the street but I know that would only worsen the scenario of my very unhappy experience. I just waited there, checking the clock and sighing from time to time. After 45 minutes of struggling into traffic at last I saw the PS Bank Signage...Am here but I am still 11 minutes late...

I hate travelling during rush hours!

But I don't wanna frown for the rest of my night...Ü