mourning on failures
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i thought i was the most hardworking bitch i've known in my family. graduated from college out of my own effort working as a lab assistant and a scholar at school, i thought that was enough for me to face the world of uncertainty- or at least the demons of the dark side of the forces. life strata was never an issue as i was comfortable with what i am and what i have in life. 4 years in college taught me to accept what my family can do and where my family is in the society and understanding that there is nothing wrong with having a not so normal childhood. i was never afraid to relate my story to all my friends and sometimes to strangers i happen to interact in public vehicles or boats going to and fro little islands of cebu and bohol-of how i grew up and how i was brought up. i didn't put blame on anyone the things that i can't do simply because i don't have much choice. Life's choices left me questions that i didn't bother to search for answers because i thought it's enough that i know the whys so i didn't care about the how's. drama queen is what i call me, my family thought so. sometimes due to my complexities even my own family's confused of who i really am. they know what food i love with which they would say varies all the time. one thing they've known for years and will never ever change though- my love for them..well, also that i change my mind in a spit second as well...
my love for them is forever, too much that i sometimes ask if i've sacrificed my own choices bec of them but of course my heart refuses to. it wasn't their choice, t'was mine and mine alone. they didn't force me or oblige me on the responsibilities expected of me as a daughter, a sibling and as a member of the society. i am a person with too much self-awareness so i know what's going on and i know where i am. fully aware of what's happening and fully know the consequences of my action. i love them so much that i can't even decipher the reason i am doing this. for guilt or for societal expectations? i really do not care.
i get tired, at 25 am really more of a mess than of a fulfilled career woman trying to make a difference in the world. a simple nudge does not awaken me anymore and i have to knock my head down so senses would come clearly as wanted.
a simple cry used to refresh me from a depressing thought or experience but now cries are simply just tears of overwhelming depression and struggles, just waters running down my cheeks. the meaning is less significant than it was years ago.
upon turning 25, realizations of my inability to love truly dawned on me, like a coral on a crystal clear water, the ones i passed by on my way to an island. seeing fault from a partner that most the time the ideals that kept myself to a waiting status. only evident that nothing amuses or amazes my uncontented heart. from a psychlogical point of view i call it emotional unstability, to conservatives and love advocates they call it playing and to the rest they cal it modern way of LOve and LOving. my inability to keep in touch with friends dear to me. my inability to connect with my past yet dwell on it too much- gather strength from those thoughts yet taking for granted its significance thus create more perplexities than understanding.
i wanna be a superhero yet i can never be. like to daydream of what should have happened and what should happen when i know i can't have best of both worlds. imagining all the time all the quaities of past relationships rolled into 1 future man- too ideal- too good to be true.
willing to get engaged or married perhaps but afraid to compromise. 2 poles of opposite direction. 1 heart with 2 sides both dominant, both wanted to rule.
i desperately wanted to break free, i thought i was- as defined- some said i am but a carefree princess, so used of attention- a brat. my world has become smaller each day- with past heartaches coming back. with past relationships knocking. i wanna move forward- to where i can start a new. but starting is never gonna answer my open questions. either way is going to leave me empty handed and thirsty for clarifications and answers. getting all figured out is way too impossible but i've always believed in my hopeful heart. i am tired but i would never let failure succomb me- nor let frustrations eat me alive. failure is my shadow but shadow is an empty entity, something that follows and doesnt have a mind of its own. shadow will remind me that i have a brain and a heart working together, willing to eye everything.
again that's life...
