june 30, 2006
i never had the chance to be a child that time. what i had in mind was that i need to survive ..that you can't depend on others but yourself...
i began shutting up...i don't question anyone what's going on...i started living a passive life...that was the safiest thing to do...
april 8, 2007
after almost a year of having felt and realized and understood my life, my failures, my dreams and my destiny, i came to conclude that there will always be that single scenario in one's life where everything flashes back and one feels turmoil inside the heart and mind and a tons of sadness, confusion and emptiness. however, there is also this ray of light may it be at the start of this feeling or in the process or at the end depending on how a person learns to acknowledge and accept this feeling. well, there is nothing more wonderful than having to understand why i am feeling this way in the first place and with the help of few trusted and angelic friends and family i passed through this with great relief and gladness that although life gave me so much reasons to feel blue and loneliness crippled me in a way or the other life also gave me reasons to fight back and struggle and be good to others despite of how others let me down-. being safe i realized is never an assurance that it is the safiest thing to do, not questioning things doesnt assure you will get the answer you needed in the long run and shutting up doesnt mean you are not annoying to yourself or to other people...
life just needs balance, balance the evilness and holiness in you. if you feel you are capable of being a saint or of becoming one hell of a pain in the ass to others, go ahead it's always your call. in the end, we leave this life all alone as we arrived alone as well.
just make sure that your evilness doesnt affect others greatly as much as it affects you, you don't have any right to apply your bad side to other people. go ahead, indulge yourself- just make sure that you understand the essence of the word YOURSELF in the process.
